Toddler Tantrum Tips and Tricks: Emotions and Coping Strategies

My son turned 2 a few weeks ago, and we suddenly have a full blown toddler in our house. To be
completely honest, I LOVE 90% of this age! It’s so fun to watch C develop a personality and opinions.
He’s growing into such a sweet and caring little boy. Last weekend we went to a friend’s house for a
party, and C (who is usually on the shy side), went and asked a boy we had met once to play because
he was sitting by himself. It was so sweet to see him be so inclusive. He’s also started to tell me stories
about what happens while he’s at daycare. Although he has a wonderful babysitter and friends, it’s still
tough to leave him, so I love that he’s able to relay memorable parts of his day to me.

Along with the amazing things that C’s developed have also come the dreaded toddler temper tantrums!
Working at an early childhood school. I’ve become very familiar with what they look like, however I’m
new to the embarrassment that comes when it’s YOUR child that’s screaming and inconsolable.

Often times, temper tantrums occur in toddlers for two reasons… 1) they are developing actual opinions
of their own and 2) they don’t yet have the language to express those opinions. At 2, most children have
50-75 words that they are starting to combine into 2-word phrases (baby drink, doggy run, etc). By 3,
the average child has around 200 words and can speak in 3-4 word phrases… the number of words
quadruples in just one year! It makes sense as to why 3 year olds are able to express themselves so
much more clearly than 2 year olds.

I’m here today to offer some tips for helping your child to work through some of those frustrations. I’m in
NO WAY saying that I am the expert or that my child doesn’t have tantrums (at the same party where
C was so inclusive, he also had to take a trip to time out because he chose to scream at another little
girl and not share). So please know that I’m in this with you. We struggle and have just as many tears
as we have moments where we feel like we’re doing what we’re supposed to do! :)

Tip 1: Labeling Emotions

Emotion vocabulary is difficult because it is more abstract than the words that most toddlers are learning.
“Ball” is something you can see, as is “eating” and “sleeping.” “Happy,” however, is a feeling. Although
you can see when someone is happy, it’s much more difficult for a toddler to attach meaning to a feeling.
Once children are able to use words to describe their feelings, though, you are able to teach them
strategies to cope.

I like to start by describing feelings of characters in books and drawing attention to their faces. The
character who feels happy is smiling, the character who feels silly is laughing, the character who feels
sad is crying, while the character who feels angry has a red face. I also like to have kids imitate the
facial expressions. During my difficult month of losing my dad, Camden picked up quickly and
connected crying to sad. He started saying “Mommy crying.” I tried to add onto that “Mommy feels sad.”
He’s not quite at the point with expressing that feeling yet, but I’m hoping to make the connection!

We have a great book from BabyGap (that I can’t find anymore) that targets feelings. I think this feelings book or Making Faces: A First Book of Emotions, which uses real faces to teach facial expressions. 

As your child masters labeling feelings, work on using strategies in order to cope with those feelings. Coping skills are skills that adults use every day in order to work through their emotions. At my school, our goal is always to teach kids that it’s ok to have any type of feeling, but coping in a way that keeps you safe and helps other feel safe is important. For toddlers, I love to teach taking a deep breath, counting to 3 (if they are able), and using a calm voice. For C, I often model taking a break and talking in a calm voice (which, let’s be honest, is really hard when your child is screaming at you). It’s important to teach and model these skills before your child’s behavior escalates, because, let’s face it, who wants to learn something new when they are angry?! I sure don’t!  There are also some great resources for teaching these skills. I love this Daniel Tiger song that gives examples. It’s catchy and easy to sing or hum a line of to remind your child how to cope. Calm-Down Time (Toddler Tools) is a wonderful book that teaches how to calm down when you are angry.

When I was pregnant with C, a veteran mom gave me a great piece of advice. “Every child goes through phases,” she said,” and they will come out of those phases mirroring how you handle them.” I’ve carried and {tried} to remember that advice as C makes his way through phases, both good and bad. We can get through these toddler tantrums together (and will probably miss the sweet snuggles and personality gaines when they are gone).

Here are pictures of the books I suggest. Please leave a comment if you have other recommendations that have worked well with your child!